Sunday, July 11, 2010
Everything has a color. The grass. Paper bags. Horses. Even the bricks that make up the front of the local elementary school. But thats not news to most of you. But there are other things that have colors that you might not know about. Hunger. The number seven. Wednesdays. Loneliness. Even gratitude has a color.
I am living many colors this year. A lot has happened. A lot is happening. A myriad of melted colors encase my breath. Inhale; and exhale. So many powerful colors in my life. So hard to pay attention to all of them. Looking at a box of crayons has never been this tough before.
This is the pain I feel being away from my family. It is so heavy like wet snow and pulls my heart down into the coldness of an icy ocean. I miss my wife and kids. I miss my daughter Katria, who shares a bond with me like no other human being in this world. I miss the excitement of Malachi and his passion to make films. I miss the unconditional and innocent true love of Josee and how her laughter protects my heart from the blue in the navy blue. I miss Nicholaus and his head first way of diving into life and eagerness to love and be loved by everyone. I miss Ashlind and watching him live and grow and think and laugh and pout and walk and talk and become. I fear the fact that he may forget his Daddy. I want to watch him become and be there for him as he does so. I miss Anna Marie, who accepts me for who I am without attempting to change me, bend me, distort me or put me in a jar up on a shelf. She loves me fully and wholly. As I do her.
This color is hard to look at, hard to swallow and hard to stomach. This is the sickness I feel in the pit of my stomach watching whom I thought were part of my life; Who I thought cared about me unconditionally; Who I thought were better people than they had led me to believe; watching these people spread lies about me and my family to other people hoping to wreck their family by doing so. This color is disgusting. It sits near me waving at me in my peripheral vision hoping to get my attention. This color is vile.
This is the color of the gratitude I have for Denver, Laurie, Christopher, Jack, Dante, Rusty, and Toby. There are no true words that I can string together that will ever allow them to understand just how much they mean to me and what they have done for me and my family. Denver is my brother. He is the one when the bus is teetering on the cliff that will climb out onto the roof of the bus and find a way to the back to free the terrified children in the nick of time before the bus topples towards its doom. Laurie is my best friend here. She plays the role of many things to me. A mother, A wife, and an Art friend. She makes sure that priorities are in place and that nothing is forgotten. She is the glue and the pilot. Christopher and Jack are full of energy, creativeness, and passion. The adventurous nature of Christopher fuels me and the heart of Jack makes me smile, often. The dogs. They are dogs. How do they do that, just being dogs? I love the Robbins family. I thank them. I am grateful and cannot wait to repay the love.
This is the color of a close friend who is diagnosed with cervical cancer. She is a Mother. She is a Wife. She is our Sister and Friend. I cannot sleep at night with this color. It strangles me when I think about it. I want to help, but feel helpless. She is a strong woman and innocent of all of this. I pray hard which causes the black to recede away from the red. I pray that treatments, surgery, and medication will fix this horrible situation. Her kids need her to be strong. Her husband needs her to be strong. We need her to be strong. I have never prayed so hard for the lack of color to remove itself from red. Together, they terrify me. Please pray for our friend. She is a wonderful woman with a wonderful heart that loves her wonderful family. Please pray for the black to go away and that the red be bright and free of contamination.
This is me. This is my color. I love my wife and family. I love my friends. I love my work and my hobbies. Orange is a constant in my life. I live hard and fast and take advantage of every opportunity that life brings me. I close me eyes at night excited to awake the next morning. One day the next morning will never come. At that point, I hope I have done all I can do here. I hope that everyone in my life has seen my color. That they know how I feel about them. That they know how much I embrace the love they have shown me. That they know how much I love them even if they have hurt me. I am orange. I am bright. Optimistic. Sexual. Believable. Unstoppable. I am happy being orange.
These colors in a row are where I am today. It may be exhausting. It may be painful. It may be confusing. But these are my colors. I am grateful to have eyes to appreciate them with.
We all have colors.
What color is your today?
Posted by ghostrawk at 6:31 AM