Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Feathered Swine

Can you count them? I see them flying as high as the clouds. If you listen closely, you can actually hear them. It's a sortv'e whining sound. You can start to make out the silhouette of their bodies. Yes, these are swine, and they are in the air passing through the clouds like the wind itself.

The world that I have made around me has a foundation like a suspension bridge in a King Kong movie. It's constantly swaying, creaking, and bouncing up and down. I try not to look down and often wonder if it can truly support my weight. I also wonder when I'll make it to the other side.

My youngest daughter, Josee (pronounced - Joe-zaye or Zsho-zaye) had a back procedure that would make anybody flinch after seeing the before and after x-rays. What I find beautiful is not how quickly she has seemed to recover; or even the straightness of her back. I find her smile beautiful. She is smiling even more now, and has gone through something that she can tell, but something that most people cannot relate too. It is her story, and its like watching a sunflower reach up towards the sun. It's just something that is hard to describe, but amazing to see.

Our house was recently sold out from under us. We had the option to purchase it, but to be honest; even if we 'could' purchase it, we don't want this house. So, we are left with weeks to spare to get the kids through school and find another place. We started looking around here within Lockhart. But I'll be honest. There is nothing here for us. Why must we stay in Lockhart? When Anna Marie and her ex got a divorce, Anna Marie wanted to make sure that her ex would not try and take one or two of the kids one direction and leave the others in another. He has a habit of moving a lot, and wouldn't bat an eye at just moving and taking one or two kids with them. She wanted to keep the kids together, so in the orders, it is written that the kids cannot leave Lockhart until they finish school. It served its purpose too. The very thing we were worried about almost happened, and luckily Anna Marie and I ran out and were married within hours, which helped to secure keeping all 4 kids together. The custody battle was ugly, but within time, it was over and the orders remained in tact, just in case.

Now, we must change these orders, and since things seemed to have cooled off a little between the ex and Anna Marie, we think it will work out now and have actually spoken with him about this change. He now has his own family and sees our kids once a month (something he decided on in the final decree). So, we are working out where he keeps them for the summer and long weekends, and we keep them the rest of the time. It looks good on paper, and I think this is why we have decided to move to where there is work in MY field. I have applied to many states. Over 70 resumes. The most response I have had to me and my work is California and Utah. We have chosen Utah.

Why Utah? For many reasons. There is a lot of work in my field. Film, Animation, Editing, and Digital Media. It's out there and there is plenty of it. Another reason is that Denver Robbins lives there. He has been much more than just the genius on our radio show. He has been much more than a colleague that I work with on a monthly basis. He has become family. Denver, as I have mentioned before is my brother. We all love him and Laurie (his beautiful wife) dearly and owe them everything. There is a lot of behind the scenes taking place that a lot of you have no idea about; but throughout all of the chaos, they both have been there for us since day one.

With all of this taking place, and only weeks to do it in, I am at a loss for words to describe my mental state as I go through the boxes and boxes of drawings, illustrations, and keep sakes that I find... take them in one last time... and then push them into a plastic garbage bag. We don't need much. We have each other. We don't need 'things' to live ... we just need our love. I keep telling myself this over and over. If it were just me, it would be easy. My ex burned and trashed $25,000 worth of collectible Star Wars memorabilia that I had collected over the years. I know what its like to just let it go. Our kids have finally had the opportunity to 'have' things that they cherish, and I won't put them through what I've gone through. So, Ill make plenty of room for them and their things. Anna Marie has an attachment to our beds and kitchen table and chairs. We worked hard to keep those beds. There were many nights that we wondered if wouldn't be able to keep them. We were renting to own most of our furniture, and there were many months that we were late on our payments. Yeah, shes attached to them. They are ours now. We earned them.

In my family life my father is not doing well at all. He is going through so much and I know I can't help. My hands are tied. If I had the money, I would fly out to be with him through all that he is going through. I've had to learn the hard way how I am viewed by my family through emails and its been tough for my heart. I have a brother who is an amazing man, but has chosen to be distant from me. His wife has a good heart, and they have wonderful children. I have a sister who is an amazing woman and has succeeded in building a beautiful family with her husband who, also, is an amazing man. They have done a lot for me and I owe the both so much. Their kids are wonderful, smart, and creative as well. My mother is an incredible woman, and has a lot on her plate with my Dad and his illness. Its been rough for me to realize what my role is in the disappointment they have towards me. I've just learned to accept it. I hope to one day make it up to them, but for now I have to focus on my family and making sure they are taken care of. That's my job. I would not be able to breath if it wasn't for Anna Marie and the love she gives me through sorting through most of this family stress. One day, Ill figure out how to fix it. But for now, we must focus on our kids and moving.

In our paranormal lives it seems that the drama is hitting the fan. I'm not sure what is going on with everyone, but people I once thought were good people in our community have blackmailed people, taken money for services they have not performed, dug up dirt on people, and their kids and posted it publicly, spread rumors about peoples research integrity to others, lied about their identities, misconstrued the truth about people and their behaviors and have performed their duties half-assly at events that they were paid in full. Not to mention the name calling and semi-slander. It's a wonder that there is any hope at all. Im embarrased to have considered some of you friends of mine. I even have gone to bat and have stuck up for some of you, just to hear the shit that you are doing. The reality is, eventually we will all find out the truth.

For those of you that have not said things about me or others in a negative fashion, just know this. I commend you and respect you for being true to who you say you are. I thank you for being a friend. It really makes the rest of this para-rollercoaster ride a lot less embarrassing. You kats are the reason that Anna Marie and I do our show, Ghostology. We love being lame, and goofy, and stupid and making you kats laugh. You allow us a place to just vent and be silly and it really has become quite therapeutic for us. So, thank you so much for accepting us for who we are and for not judging us for what we do. We are people, and dig loving you kats as part of our family.

Yeah, I'm counting about 30 or so... maybe 40. I've often wondered what swine from this angle would look like. I've seen the videos of elephants swimming. They are almost identical, sans the trunk. I knew one day I'd see them.

I'm going to have to call the devil sometime and see what the temperature is like down there. Who knows. It might actually be snowing.