Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Miracles, Numbers, and Asteroids...

As most of you know. I like to ask questions. I don't ask them to upset people. I don't ask them to make people feel incompetent. I simply ask them because I like to hear opinions that help lead me to an answer that makes sense to me.

That being said.

I have recently been faced with a dilemma that has hit me on a personal level. When I say "hit me on a personal level" I mean, "hit me" from several different angles. So, when a certain situation arose, I immediately started asking questions hoping to find an answer.

Here, let me fill you in on my situation and maybe you'll be able to see where I'm coming from.

As you may know by now, our 15 year old daughter (I'll go ahead and call her my step daughter for those of you to see the bigger picture, but to me, she is my daughter) is going in for spinal surgery on March 1st of this new year. She has scoliosis and it has become very bad over the past year. After taking her to a specialist a few weeks ago, she then went for an MRI last week, and finally now have spoken with all of her doctors and have a series of several medical visits which include her giving blood for the operation as well as other tests and examinations prepping her for the surgery.

Okay, so, it's hard for me to type some of this because my damned eyes keep filling with watery stuff. I love this girl so much. She is an angel on earth. She has had a hard enough life as it is with her processing disorder, and had conquered it and other obstacles while at the same time becoming an incredible artist and writer. Yes. I am proud of her. I am also definitely terrified of her having to go through this surgery to the point that I'm having trouble sleeping every night. Shes a tough girl too. She comes to me and talks with me about the surgery. At first I thought she was doing that because she had questions, but now I'm pretty sure she does it because she knows that I'm nervous about the operation.

Backing up and giving you my perspective on my religious views. I am a Christian. I am quite a unique Christian though. I believe a lot of things that anger and piss off other Christians. Again, its my questions that make everyone on edge. In my book; God is Almighty. That is it. Period.


Think about that one for a second.

Okay, so an Almighty God can do anything. Be anything. Know anything... and Anything anything. It is not for us to try and think like God. We can't. It's impossible. We are human. He is not. That is the end of that discussion as far as I'm concerned. If you would like to debate that with me, please choose another venue other than my blog. Thank you. :)

I also believe that God is and can do anything to help us out here on earth. If we are sick, our loved ones pray over us. Some of us have seen miracles take place. Yes. Miracles. I have seen miracles too. I love that our God sometimes will allow these miracles to take place to help instill faith in our hearts. It is truly an important part of the cycle. I am glad that miracles don't happen all of the time. I know, that sounds terrible. Doesn't it? But I am.


It's simple. We are selfish. If God allowed for these amazing miracles to happen all of the time through the same venue each time, we would expect it. It's true, and you cannot deny that. You would expect it as much as you expect there to be food at the grocery store, or as much as you expect two plus two to equal four. If it didn't happen, we would all lose faith in God, and call him names and be angry with him because our miracle didn't happen. Some of us go through this anyway. So... We are selfish.

So, here is the dilemma.

Anna Marie's ex is now a healer. Yes. He heals people with the power of God. He touches them and prays over them and their cancer, tumors, and physical ailments leave their body and are gone forever. What does this have to do with me?

Our 15 year old daughter came up to me and told me that her Dad heals people and has healed over 200 people that have had cancer and other ailments. He took her to lunch after her MRI and told her that he wanted to lay hands on her and heal her back. He even spoke with Anna Marie about it and asked her if she would support her in his decision to do this.

Our 15 year old asked me what I thought. That's pretty impressive. She wanted to know what her step-dude thought (smiling). I told her that anything is worth a try and that sometimes God performs miracles. But I also told her that I believe that God put's a lot into us as His people and wants us to be able to take care of ourselves, and so I believe that God works through our doctors and vets as well. She told me that her Dad had two questions that he asked people before trying to heal them.

1) Do you believe that you can be healed? Because if you don't, it won't work.

She couldn't remember the second question, but that first one was enough for me to scratch my head and ask myself.

Is this a fair thing to put on a 15 year old girl who has a severe medical condition and is needing surgery.

"If you don't believe, then its your fault?" (paraphrasing of course)

I'll be honest. And this in no way is a negative remark against anyone that is Christian. But I think that is one of the most horrible things you can put on a child that knows that they need something done that is so scary and dangerous yet to be told that their Dad heals hundreds of people, but if you do not believe then its not his fault or even God's fault, but its hers.

I apologize for even going here. But it has been really upsetting me lately. I know that the kids just got back from their Dad's house and they all seem fine, so I guess the laying of the hands took place and the praying will continue, but I pray to the God that I love and respect that he never tell's her it didn't work because she didn't have faith or has let God down.

I'm honestly not sure what I would do if I heard him say that to her.


Wednesday, December 23, 2009

The Flower...

Today was a tough day on the inside for me. Anna Marie took our 15 year old girl (who has scoliosis) to a specialist today to get assessed for a corrective back-brace. She is one of the most unique 15 year old girls you will ever meet.

She is a thin girl with beautiful brown eyes and long brown hair. She was born with a processing disorder that has held her back a bit in the beginning and she is just now at a point where when major things happen, she is able to process and accept them a lot quicker than when she was younger. Her heart is 10,000 times that of any of our other kids, and believe me... their hearts are huge! She gives. She feels. She breathes emotion; constant emotion.

Today, they went in for a back-brace, and were told that her spine is too severe for a mere brace. Yes. She needs spinal surgery, and bad. This is NOT a suggestion from the doctor saying, ' hey, you know what would be neat? Surgery..." Not at all, there are no other options. Our 15 year old is going to have her spine splinted by metal rods and refused. Yes. I have already read up as much as I can as to how this operation will go. It's not a pleasant thing to read, especially when considering that your 15 year old girl is going to be the one going through this.

She asked me today if I was nervous. I didn't lie to her. I told her I was beyond nervous and that I was worried only because it scares me to think that they will be operating on her. I also told her I know it will be okay, but I'm still going to worry. I asked her how she was with the whole thing. She said that she was nervous too, but in the long run she would be much taller than she is now. And that is going to be TALL. I'm guessing she will be at least 5 feet 6 inches or even taller!

Now, here's the thing. Tomorrow, she has to go in for an MRI. This is going to be stressful on many levels. Anna Marie and I have worked really hard at telling her the play-by-plays of what is going to happen and how this is all going to go down. So, it's going to be stressful on the level that our 15 year old girl will be placed in a tube for an hour and a half. Not that this is a bad thing. She knows that its going to be a long process. Luckily she gets to watch TV while they do this. Lets just hope its not the wiggles. That might 'really' stress her out. No, the stress is going to be on my part.

You see, her Dad is coming to pick us up and take us to the hospital and then stay with us, and then drive us back. Yes. I will be spending over 4 hours with someone that I am pretty sure despises me. Hates me. Loathes me. Yes. I will be spending over 4 hours with someone that has built my trust up, and torn it down, and built it up and torn it down again ... to the point that I have no more trust for this person. This is my own personal struggle. He is not a bad person. I know this. He's probably a great person with many great attributes; however, I do not trust him for reasons I will keep to myself.

So, I will be stressed out tomorrow for my girl and the company that I will have to keep while she is getting and MRI. Yes. I can suck it up. I will suck it up. For her.

March 1st, 2010 she will go into the hospital for her spinal surgery. I have spent a good amount of time today going over the step-by-step process of this operation as well as reading accounts online of what she is to expect. Each painful detail was delivered to her with my humorous side-notes to make it lighter than it sounded. She giggled as usual but nodded with understanding at how much of a BITCH this is going to be.

She is tough. How can something as delicate as our 15 year old girl be so damn tough?! She is nervous, but yet is stronger than this. She knows its going to be painful, but she is willing to stick it through to the end knowing that the outcome will be that her pain will be gone and her back will be straight. She is like that flower in the snow and ice that stands up straight throughout the whole winter and makes it to the spring. A dissertation in strength shown by a young, thin, beautiful 15 year old girl.

She hugged us both goodnight and smiled at us, because in her 10,000 times the size of normal heart, she knows that we are worried sick about this, but are also proud of her and want her to live a normal and healthy life, with a straight back.

When the surgery is over, she will be tall, strong, and beautiful.

She will fight through the winter and ice and snow and freezing rain.

She will be that flower that shows us what strength and beauty really look like.

She is the flower in God's heart.


Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Carrot Seeds and Christmas...

Something unexpected has happened this Christmas season. It is the strangest thing. Being broke has actually created something magical in our family's life this year. I remember what it was like having money just a few years ago, and how easy it was to run to Wal-Mart or Target and purchase a ton of gifts, wrap them up, stick a bow on them, and send them off to the people that you loved. Again, don't get me wrong. Ain't nothing wrong with that. Heck, that's almost preferred. But THAT scenario rarely produces magic.

Yeah, I said it. Magic. Real old fashioned magic.

I can already tell that you guys are dying to know more about Carrot Seeds and Christmas, but I'm not just gonna give it to you. I'm gonna make you work for it. After all. What is magic if you are shown how the trick works before actually seeing it performed.

When I was little, there was one place on earth that I considered magic. That was my Grandmother's house. Nestled up in the Smokey Mountains of North Carolina, we would drive many times a year to visit her. Christmas time was the most magical though. I couldn't tell you why either. It was the cold maybe? The chance of magical snow? The fact that Santa might not know that we are staying at her house that year? Who knows. But you could taste it in the air. It was definitely the flavour of magic.

Several things to know about my Grandmother are that she was an R.N. (which meant she was very smart) and a School Teacher (which meant that she knew how to play with kids and their imaginations). These things made her remarkable as a Grandmother. She could play the piano like no body's business, and would sing as loud as her old crackly Grandmother voice would get without getting off note. What would we do as kids? Why, that was simple. We would dance or run around in a circle while she played. Our world (her living room) would spin with all of the Christmas decorations while we dances and sang and spun around laughing. There was one decoration in particular that I had made when I was 'really' little. It was supposed to be a candle. I had taken an old wrapping paper tube and colored it with the best of my skills with a red crayon and glued some tinsel, plastic pine needles, and some other odds and ends on the top. Sortv'e like a magic Christmas flame. She kept that piece of decor all the way up until she passed away and 'always' put it out next to the fireplace for Christmas.

Being a teacher, she taught us some of the wildest and coolest things to make with stuff we had lying around the house. She taught us how to make inflatable paper cubes without anything but a sheet of typing paper (my Grandaddy worked at the local paper mill and being an artist, I had the privilege of having a 'paper of the month' club lifelong membership). She would thumb through her magical books (these were called Child Craft Books... look them up) ... and find magical potions for us to concoct with her. Another one was the magic ocean in a bottle! She would make these things that almost made her wizard like and would blow our minds. We learned so many fun and magical things while staying with her and I remember thinking once, 'if I ever have kids, I hope to pass on these magical spells of wonderment to my very own.'

When she passed away about 6 or 7 years ago (sorry, the years have all run together for me) a lot in my life has changed. I have been adopted by 4 incredible kids, and have one of my very own, and a NEW one in the oven! I have focused on giving these amazing kids my heart, and love, and knowledge, and wisdom, and life. I know that they are mostly teens now and I missed a lot of the growing up, so the magic that my Grandmother taught me would have to wait for Ash and his new sibling to be.


Something happened this year. We had no money. None for gifts, or very little. We decided to make our own decorations the way my Mom had shown me when I was a kid and we spent Yadiloh (our tradition for decorating the tree and house on the 2nd Wed of Dec) stringing cranberries and popcorn... and laughing... and decorating gingerbread men for the tree (seeing who could be the most creative)... and laughing... and there was Ash... little Ash... Christmas music on in the background and his little body moving to the beat of 'Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree', while he admired the twinkly lights on our little 30 dollar tree from the grocery store.

But that was just the beginning of the magic.

Our 15 year old came to me wanting me to help her make her friend a gift. We sat down and were brainstorming with the few materials we had. She wanted to make a special angel out of typing paper... and yes... that is when it hit me. The Inflatable Paper Cube!

"My Grandmother used to make these when I was little, and I would draw pictures on the inside, so when you looked through the hole, it was like peeking into a secret magical world."

We made one with an angel in it. I could taste the magic. She was not too old to taste it either. It was just an amazing magical ball of creativity that we made together and I got to talk about my Grandmother again.

Then, our 18 year old had this idea that she wanted to make something special for her boyfriend. Something that was like a magic potion that was part of an inside joke they shared. Then it hit me, My Grandmother's Ocean in a bottle, but this time instead of blue ocean... we would make it pink like a magic potion! Again, the magic started and the 18 year old smiled big! I could taste the magic again!

It made me smile and I knew that my Grandmother was here this Christmas.

Oh, what do Carrot Seeds have to do with Christmas. For me, every time we would go to my Grandmother's we would all run upstairs into the playroom and put this record on. We LOVED it. It was about magic. It was about how if we believe in magic and practice our magic and share our magic that other people will see it too.


Sunday, December 20, 2009

So this is Christmas...

So, this is Christmas.

This is the first time that this line has actually tugged on my heart strings. I've heard the song a million times and even poked fun of it in parody to make people laugh. But, this year is different. This year, I see, not just us, but many people reaching into their pockets to purchase gifts for their children, and pulling out nada. No money for gifts or very little money for gifts.

... and then in the background I hear that song... 'So this is Christmas' ... and that one line has a completely different meaning to me this year. It's almost cynicism. It almost fits well with a Gary Larson Far Side cartoon. The irony is that we want to give. We want to pay our bills. We want to work. We want to do many things that are selfless, but can't afford to even keep our own electricity on.

So what do we do this year? I don't mean, how do we get a job, or pay the bills, or buy that Christmas turkey; I mean, how do we give this year to let others know that they are not alone? Some of us can't even afford stamps to go on envelopes; or better yet, the $8 dollar box of lame old Christmas Cards that were designed 10 years ago that should have been placed on sale, but weren't. How do we share Christmas this year?

Okay, so I'm not gonna get all Jeezy Creezy on everyone today, but I do want you all to know that I am a Christian (a unique one, mind you) but a Christian nonetheless. As an example of how we can share Christmas with everyone, I look at the stories of Jesus. Not the miracles and marvels either. But the man Jesus. The guy that was in human form for the short 30 years he walked this earth. The stories are pretty simple too. He just loved. He didn't care what you believed, he didn't care what bad things you had done. He just said, 'Hey man, its cool. Just know that someone cares.'

Yeah, this is the example I want to use this year. I don't have anything to give anyone. I wish I did. God knows I'd send out a slew of Christmas Cards to everyone I know and buy turkeys for the countless number of people that I know that can't afford a big dinner this year. I would pay their bills so they could watch 'Frosty the Snowman' and 'The Santa Clause'. But I can't.

What can I do? What can we do?

If you are reading this. You at least have Internet. This means that you can go down the list of your Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, and whatever other social community blog, forum or bbc you belong to and take 1 full day of doing nothing but letting people know how much you appreciate them.

No, don't give me this crap about I don't have time. If you are in the position that most of us are in, time is the one thing you DO have plenty of. Remember time is money. If you could take your time and convert it into money, you'd be buying Christmas cards instead. So just do this. Take a day and let everyone know how much you love them. Let everyone know that they aren't alone. Let them know that it might not be much, but you do have the time to let them know that you love them and appreciate them. This is a gift that they will take with them all the way to the end. The day that you were broke and took the time to tell them that you loved them.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. Share it if you want. Debate me about Jesus if you want. But whatever you do, take the time to spread a little love this week. It's a lot more important than think.

So, THIS is Christmas.


Saturday, December 19, 2009


So, last night on our show, we had a pre-recorded segment with Ryan Buell from Paranormal State. He is a great guy, and the interview itself (which can now be heard on iTunes) was a lot of fun and very insightful. Midway through our show we had the honor of also having LIVE from the Spalding Inn, Jason Hawes and Steve Gonsalvez from Ghost Hunters... and John Zaffis from everywhere! Again, another great interview and a lot of fun being able to have them on our show. If you caught it LIVE you know how funny it was for everyone because it was not expected and there is honestly no way to tell you kats how long we have been wanting to have them on our show.

So, with that aside, it became this sortv'e joke about having Pepsi and Coke on the same show... or McDonalds and Burger King... (with John Zaffis being the Wendys) Its one of those things where in the long run we ARE all on the same team, right? Fighting... er hunting for the better good? I think so. But we also noticed a lot of animosity towards our guests. Not directly in the chat, but later via PMs and emails. Some people like Ryan better than Jason, others like Steve better than Ryan, and then there were those that couldnt stand either of them and wondered when we would have 'their own team' on our show.

It got me to thining a bit and scratching my head. Ghostology is an equal opportunity para-media outlet. Yeah, we strive for quality guests (ie: guests that talk preferably) who have something unique or enlightening to share with us. But, what does it do to our community when we end up segregating the people in our very community.

Forming triangles.

Oh, I like "Ghost Show 01" and like "Ghost Show 02" but hate "Ghost Show 03". I just found out that "Ghost Show 01" likes "Ghost Show 03" so Im only going to like "Ghost Show 02".

I think you get the point.

I just wonder if this is healthy. I mean, we probably should't cut of someone just because THEY happen to like someone that you aren't very found of. Right? or am I missing something.

Anyway, it was just a thought. Triangels are sharp and dangerous and probably only good for ringing when dinner is ready. LOL! ... In my opinion. :)

Hope you kats are having a great week before Christmas. Its fun being broke... aint it!? :D


Thursday, December 17, 2009

Dancing in Circles...

Today was just any other day, but different. It's been a strange year. All of my clients have run away not wanting to spend any money. Our oldest girl is graduating High School this year. Ghostology has created over 300 archived shows. GTV just added a new show from the UK... and ... we are pregnant again! How amazing! ... and again, the economy stinks so bad right now that trying to afford a large family like ours is next to impossible.

So, why am I dancing?

You see, I was born with a prozac gene. Its quite amazing. While all the other people were standing in line for "good looks", "brains" or "big boobs", I stood in the "prozac_gene_BETA_3.2.pzc" line. Yeah, I know... it was a BETA, but I love testing new things out, and if it worked, Oh, Man oh Man! ... I got lucky. It works BEAUTIFULLY!

So, I'm dancing because I know things get shitty. Big deal. I'm dancing because I have no money, but will have money sometime soon. I'm dancing because we are bringing another life into this world that can keep little Ashlind company.... and I'm dancing, because like myself, and Ash, this new one too will stand in line for what is now the "prozac_gene_7.pzc" ... yeah, no longer a BETA and its a cross-platform app that also is wireless!

So, yeah. Im dancing alright!